Creative Writing: The Candidates, part 1

Deep in the Coronation Chamber, beneath the Dark Tower and the Flaming Eye, a ceremony proceeds before the dead eyes of her slain enemies. "Bring forth the Diazepam Chalice!," cries Cheekbone, the Chief Stewardess. Bernie the Hunchback enters with a human skull, that of former UN President John Ashe, brimful with Valium.  

"Bernie serves Mistress well! Please don't hurts us! Bernie is so sorry!"   

"Mistress forgives you, poor Bernie." A gravely voice echoes around the throne. "Go back to the Green Mountains and minister to the hippies there in my name. But, challenge me again, and you'll be buried with the others in the Catacombs of Mena." 

"Yes, Mistress. Thank you, Mistress." 

Cheekbone takes the grim chalice from Bernie, shoos him out of the chamber, and approaches the throne. The Mistress sits there, very still, shrouded in a thick fog redolent of Ben-Gay. Cheekbone kneels upon the Ron Brown rug and extends her arms into the thick cloud to deliver the sacred drink. 

"Yeeeessss. Delicious. My strength is returning." The cold voice speaks from within the cloud. "Mistress is pleased with you, Cheekbone. Prepare The Sacrifice"

Cheekbone descends to a dark corner behind the great throne. In the darkness, beside the chamberpot, sits The Sacrifice. 

"Do I need to shut it down first, or just unplug it?" asks Cheekbone. 

"I don't know. Shut it down first, I guess. Use my password."

Cheekbone pecks out the secret incantation. "v-a-s-t-r-i-g-h-t-w-i-n-g-c-o-n-s-p-i-r-a-c-y"

"You got an email from Loretta. She says it's taken care of."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! SLAY THE SACRIFICE! NO ONE CAN STOP US NOW!"

Cheekbone wipes The Sacrifice, as with a cloth. Cackling laughter echoes forth from the chamber, and the dark tower. From the Flaming Eye, a bright beam of fire bursts forth, scorching the air as it flies laser-like across the land.

Far away, flying peacefully over the water, the Great Eagle perceives not the danger, and is struck dead by the flaming beam. It's body lands in the sea. A tag upon the dead animal's leg reads "TWA 800". A Marine Biologist will later conclude that the noble creature's kidneys spontaneously combusted.